I struggle with a form of perfectionism that sometimes gets the best of me and I seek out distractions rather than do the things I need to, to feel more adequate and qualified. I spend a fair amount of my free time reading/listening to books on self-improvement, leadership, goal setting, and spirituality and I become faced with a dichotomy, being the altruistic morally correct adult male or being a success at any cost. Perhaps I overthink the subject to the point where my motivation to sleep outweighs my motivation to succeed because of the gravitational weight of overcoming the struggle to realize that being perfect isn't even possible!
Who decides what perfect is, and where did I get this fucked up idea of it anyway? I certainly didn't have it in grade school or high school, or if I did I was unaware of it. I did poorly in school as will become evident as you read my blog and notice the poor grammar, (#DoesGrammarReallyMater?). I realized later in life that I am not a "conventional learner" and have been told that the school system failed me, well, that's all well and good but I can't roll back the clock and they aren't going to refund my parents the money they spent on my education, so I deal with it. I guess my struggle to 'fit in' to the system is responsible somewhat for shaping these feelings of inadequacy disguised as perfectionism. Even though I am aware that 'perfectionism' is not a good thing I feel it sounds better than 'inadequateness' or 'inadequate-ism.'
People have been asking me for years to share my story, and I have been failing miserably at it do to this very inadequacy. I have a white board in my room with various topics to write or talk about, goals, quotes etc. I have portraits of people in history I admire and aspire to be like. If I have a one on one with a friend or colleague, they always seem to feel better after hearing my perspective, not that I have the answers to their problems, it's that I have a different angle for them to look at it from. I have a 3x5 index card on my coffee table that says "Do I have to be perfect or successful before I can do something to make a difference?" which I wrote just before walking out the door for work. I wrote this down as a question to myself so it would become real and not just a passing thought to never be answered….. And from that question this post was born.
By putting myself out there, being honest with my fears and self-doubts may make me in some peoples eyes to be less of a man, but I have news for you, I don't give a shit what they think or feel anymore, I am not here to judge them and if they want to judge me, oh well. If this post gets lost in the inter-webs than so be it, if helps motivate you to just go outside and pick up the dog shit on your lawn you have been neglecting for days than I have already made a difference.
