Worm Theory

“Stop picking a fight with what is out of your control” Debra Engle advised a client in the coaching room as she filled in for Alan while he was teaching in Japan.

“Only prayer helps me remember who I am” she said in a sincere compassionate voice, breaking down walls in my mind like blocks in the early video game breakout. Many present on that call commented on her simple, yet profound statements, perhaps reaching as deep for them as for me, deeper than she could have imagined. How many times do we allow ourselves to get pulled off center by someone’s random comment or opinion about something?

I have fallen for their juicy worm dangling in front of me, opened wide and clamped down only to be hooked, snagged, and reeled into a conversation or argument I had no intention of partaking nor particular interest in the time invested to end up scarred and out of energy. What’s worse is the aftermath of self-abuse and self-criticism that ensues.

 “Come on, you know worms don’t just dangle in the ocean, you are smarter than that.” “You have been down this road before Neo” Trinity said to Neo when he wanted to flee before seeing what the Matrix was all about. “You will never win with him, he always has to be right” my siblings will confirm about engaging in such struggles with dad.

All four of us know this, yet we still get hooked, we waste time, become frustrated and sometimes call each other afterwards and get our lines all tangled up and stress even worse.

 “If you don’t like the story you are living, I invite you to write a new one” Don Miguel Ruiez proposes. If you know this conversation is going to lead to stress and frustration, why engage? “Life is short, Art is long” someone said, and as life artists we can find more creative ways of expressing ourselves in a healthy and fulfilling way for self and others than to partake in such frustrating and draining tangents.

 Prayer works for Debra, Service for Ram Dass, a long run for my brother, moving iron in the gym for my friend Dave, a plunge in the ocean for me. What tools or techniques do you have to return to center once you have allowed yourself to be pulled away?

 The fourth of Don Miguel’s agreements is “always do your best,” not always be perfect, not always be right or win the argument, but to “always do your best.”

 Every time I realize I have been hooked, whether it be a half hour in or just a few minutes, I have a choice, and the one I choose is to release in a way that allows for less struggle, pain, and damage. This is the best I can do in that moment, perhaps next time the worm won’t look as juicy.

 I feel in Debra’s statement she is even advising us to be careful to not go looking for arguments we know will lead to pain and frustration to fill a void or mask a pain we are experiencing and don’t have the courage or awareness to tend to with compassion. We often project a fight with ourselves on to others. I have caught myself gathering information to argue with this type of person, to present facts backing up my stance only to have them question or discredit the study or try to change the original subject of the argument! They have many years of training in being right and skilled in changing the subject when wrong. It’s ultimately a lose lose situation since neither of us feels particularly happy afterwards.

 As I write this I can actually see humor in this and appreciate their struggle, I can now dub this ‘worm theory’ and see the clever game they are prompting and not engage in the dance.

 Here in lies a spiritual opportunity, my mentor Alan Cohen might say “you are in a seminar of recognizing and resolving an issue in you and this person is your greatest teacher, can you see that?” 

 “Because we can accommodate and adapt. The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting. The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” Marcus Aurelius has taught us.

This very moment, we have an opportunity to learn and grow, to do our best to be grateful for this situation and to the shift that can take place in them by healing ourselves of the “worm” dangling before us. When we can see that they are only mirroring that part of us we dislike, we can heal.

“When you are able to be patient with others, you can be patient with yourself” advises Eknarth Easwaran.

When I can see the hook in them and the pain and suffering behind the juicy worm dangling out of place in the vast ocean of compassion, to see all as beautiful artists contributing to our spiritual growth and development, I can move forward with gratitude.

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he marches to the beat of a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away,” Said Thoreau, “never cease trying to be the best you can be” coach Wooden taught his players, look at everyone as a child of the Devine, and have patience and compassion for all, we are all on a journey to self-discovery, to finding our rhythm, our voice, our way of pure expression.

It takes strength to ask for help

It takes strength to ask for help

Some of us are facing possibly the most uncertain and seemingly most helpless challenges in our adult lives. It is as if someone sped up the roller-coaster of life and we have lost the amusement of it. No longer raising our hands in celebration, we find ourselves instead, uncharacteristically gripping the safety bar with extreme vigor. Only now, we no longer trust the safety bar, the lap bar, and over-the-shoulder device while in our seats, we don’t trust the park director, the person sitting in front or behind us, and worst of all, we have begun to question our own ability to ‘grip’ the safety bar. Hell, we may not believe it even exists. We start to question if we are even in the right park, is this what I signed up for? This is nothing like the brochure, how could I have been deceived?  

Throw in the holidays and we can easily become overwhelmed, suddenly there ‘is nothing on Netflix’ or the other streaming apps we have, social media starts to confirm our confusions and fears, true or false have lost their meaning. 

Where have our role models gone? What happened to leading by example? 

 “All I want is the truth, just give me some truth” – John Lennon 1971

 Some of the people we have looked up to and envied over the years also had dragons in their closets or under their beds. On the outside their suit of armor was of the best materials polished to a perfect shine yet it was decaying from the inside. Through their art forms and careful editing, they kept Toto from allowing us to see who was really behind the curtain. Something prevented them from seeking help. 

 We are not alone; we never have been. There are others like us, and there are those who are skilled and trained at helping us, we just need to ask. We need to embrace our suck as an opportunity for our evolution as a species. We need to be the example; we owe that to our youngsters. 

 There is strength in recognizing it may be time to seek help or be there for someone who is reaching out.

 We can start where we are, with a gratitude or mindfulness practice, something to ground us. I have been practicing seated and walking meditation for over twenty-five years now, putting it to the test during trying times. It helps if we have a community of practitioners to share questions, insights, and other things that may come up. If you are interested in learning more about how to start a mindfulness practice please feel free to ask on Listentonothing on Instagram and we can start addressing some of the common questions.

Working with Quarantine

You are not alone 

We are in times of fear and uncertainty. It’s okay that you are feeling the way you are. If you are working from home at least you have a schedule: a time to log into meetings, take calls, or make trades. For those of us that are out of work we need to be diligent and create a routine.

You might ask yourself, what do you enjoy doing that brings happiness to you and doesn’t bring sadness or harm to others? We can spend some time contemplating this… Write down a few things and keep the list nearby so you can add to it as things come to mind. 

A healthy routine

 For me, I wake up and breathe for three minutes with the app on my watch. I do this for two reasons: so I can start my day with a pause of mindfulness and second to see what my HRV is for the day. I then read and do the day’s exercise in the ACIM workbook.  I check my blood pressure and log it in the health app before I offer incense and begin sitting quietly for thirty minutes. I grind my coffee and do a pour-over and read the day’s passage in a “Daily Dose of Sanity” by Alan Cohn. At the end of each day’s writing he poses a question and an affirmation to work with. I take the time to answer it honestly in my Bullet Journal. 

 Our goal is to enhance our lives and those around us and create a positive energy that will flow out into the world. Our responsibility is to take care of ourselves first, so that we can be grounded and act from a place of love and compassion. To give love we must be open to receiving love, and we must love ourselves. 

 If we do not have a routine or schedule to follow, we may become lost in thoughts of fear, or distracted by the news or social media. We may binge-watch shows or movies. Of course some times distractions are necessary to give us a break from stress we may be feeling. If however, we get caught up in a mindless escape, we are doing ourselves a great disservice. We need to care for our mental and physical state right now. We must do this for us and those we love and whom love us. It’s our responsibility.

 What things can we engage in to bring us love and joy?

Those of you with an iPhone or iPad can FaceTime with loved ones so you can see their face and they yours. At first this can be somewhat challenging because we might not like the image of ourselves portrayed on the screen— we may find ourselves self-critical. Try to resist looking at yourself and look at the person you are speaking to. This can actually be a deep practice. See how long you can go with out looking at your image and becoming self-conscious. This will help us be more present with the person we are conversing with.  

I have gone through periods of self-hatred and extreme self-criticism.  I have been so self-critical that I have refused FaceTime calls in the past because I didn’t want to see my reflection. I have avoided posting selfies on social media and even not looked at photos of me until years later because I would only focus on the negative parts of me that I saw.  I say this so you know that I understand the urge, but it’s not about me; it’s about us. We must remind ourselves this and push through so we can become a tad bit more intimate in these times of separation and isolation.

Working through issues

 There are many different techniques one can use to work through issues. We need to be aware of whether we are moving towards a solution, or towards a form of escape. I think for some of us, our habit energy wants to escape, to run, to ignore, to project hate. This may arise from time to time, yet if we have the strength and determination to get to the other side, we will come back to the practice or technique that we have found that works for us. It may be the breath, a posture, a movement that re-centers us and allows us to see the issue for what it is and no longer feed it.  We want to water the seeds that will bear the fruits of love, compassion and empathy for others and ourselves. I believe this is our responsibility, our duty, and our mission.

 I have been using an affirmation from Louise Hay for over fifteen years now when I find myself in distress, fearful and self-judging. I place a hand on my “hara”— a point two or three fingers below the navel— and as a watch my breath I repeat, “I love and approve of myself,” and I feel my abdomen rise and fall. Usually within a few minutes I notice a release or letting go of the issue for the time being. This is a type of coming-back to self. It allows me to not become overwhelmed, to come back to my breath, to come back into my body and become grounded. Sometimes I might even fall into a sleep and process in a dream state. I may even use this affirmation as a mantra while doing dishes, taking out the trash, or cleaning my room. Actually, I find those times to be very helpful because the practice becomes like what Suzuki Roshi would call a ‘house cleaning of body and mind.’

Another technique I use is Ho’oponopono— the repetition of four phrases in no particular order. They are: “I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “please forgive me”, and “thank you”. This is a Hawaiian way of taking responsibility and cleansing. I find by repeating these I can begin to take more responsibility for my actions and let go of resentment, anger or hatred I may have for a situation or being. 

Please join me in this global healing. Take the time we now have to discover the grounding practice that works best for you and repeat it as often as needed.  The world needs us to emanate love and compassion.

I am here for you

Please feel free to reach out and we can work through some of this stuff together.

Don't let the pressure get to you.

There come these times in my life where gravity seems to become stronger, the atmospheric pressure rises and I loose my drive and passion. I find myself retreating, closing myself off to outside stimulation and turning inward for guidance. I scribble illegible lines in journals I never seam to go back an read, I romanticize about the power this struggle has on building my character and making me a great artist. Being all too familiar with this state of mind I am currently questioning if, I have chosen it, or it has chosen me? How much of this pressure is real and how much is self-induced due to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness? 

Have I been wrong all this time? I thought I had been the one to take risks, to relocate to distant lands in search of 'happiness' and 'experience.' Was I searching or have I been fleeing from, and how do I truly know?

It's all a matter of subjectivity.

Analysis based on retrospection.

During a practice period in a Zen Temple in the mountains of Japan, with no electricity or flushing toilets, a practitioner said to me out of the blue; "you know, alone stands for all-one?" At the time I thought it to be profound and took it on as a kind of koan to chew on in the hopes of some day to have an epiphany and possibly enlightenment.

That day has yet to come, here I sit tens-of-years later faced with this silly situation, and looking at being 'alone' versus being 'all one.' 

Do they feel the same?

Who can answer that question?

Subjectivity. A week never passes at work without someone asking me "is the spicy _____ really spicy?" Or "how spicy is it?" How does one answer these questions compassionately for someone? It's like asking "how long is a ball of string?" It all depends on the ball now doesn't it? 'I happen to like spicy, so for me, it's not spicy at all,' is often my response after asking how sensitive they are to spice. The odd common theme I find is, more often than not, the person knows they don't tolerate spices very well but are considering ordering the item labeled spicy. I even suggest they get the spicy sauce on the side, but they go for it anyway! 

What is in this? Are they afraid to make their own decision? Do they not trust their spice meeter or, do they just need someone to listen for once? I would say it's all of the above. The fear of the unknown is very real and lack of accountability is even realer, so if someone else gives us wrong advice we can blame them rather than ourselves.

Sad isn't it?

As we progress further into the twenty-first century with all our technological advances, instant gratification, social media platforms etc. I feel we haven't progressed at all spiritually, we still have yet to answer the ultimate philosophical/spiritual questions. In fact, I would say we have actually moved further away from the possible answer and even the urge to question it. With social media being what it is I would venture to say that instant de-gratification is on the rise. We are in danger of greater social disorders than we were just twenty five years ago. I am not opposed to the advances we have made, I do however wish to encourage you to use them to better the quality of your life and the lives of others and to promote a positive outcome and future. By instant de-gratification, I am referring to opening up a social media platform and using an un realistic yardstick to measure your life and your current condition. The infamous "Joneses" are flooding the inter-webs with better bodies, nicer teeth, bigger houses, faster cars, hotter partners, and perceived happier lifestyles. Does the fact that we follow their feeds, like their posts actually bring them closer to happiness? And what about us, are we happier knowing they appear to be traveling every other weekend 'living the high life?'

I say no….

Looking at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, in the middle of the pyramid, we find love and belonging. Included here are friendship, family, sexual intimacy. We all desire and need some form of, if not all of these, often compelling us to join FB groups, purchase brand name items and swiping right on dating sights. What is lacking in these pursuits however, is true intimacy. Sexual intimacy can be fleeting and often animalistic, leaving us stimulated yet sometimes more empty and alone than prior to the act. Lying naked next to someone having just licked or been licked all over is by no means the same as sharing our deepest darkest fears.

When we are fortunate enough to experience true intimacy, in that moment, we are no longer 'alone' but 'all-one.' We have a glimpse into oneness and can begin to move towards it. As risky as it may seem, vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weeknes. 

When we trust enough to be absolutely vulnerable, we can engage in true intimacy. Through vulnerability we grow and evolve spiritually. True intimacy is to me the essance of Zen.

Who decides?

At some point in our lives we find ourselves faced with the freedom to make our own decisions and, paradoxically  the inability to do so. We become paralyzed when faced with "red or blue?" We no longer trust our own tastes and preferences and move towards this feeling of having to decide based on what others might feel or think. It's quite sad really. Yet many of us are faced with this everyday or we are close to someone who is.

Unfortunately we as humans are moving farther away of what is truly important in life as we move into this 'instantaneous' era. The problem doesn't lie in the fact that there are too many choices, the problem lies in the fear of making the wrong choice, as if making the wrong choice is going to affect our very existence. 

Choices are just choices. Of course, there are consequences to our choices and we should investigate them, yet more often than not, they don't have the life-ending result we fear when standing before most. Choosing between vanilla and chocolate or the special versus the traditional can sometimes be way too much for people, and if they can't make these 'base' decisions how can they be expected to decide whether or not to leave their current job, move to a different town or state, commit to or leave a relationship, or even to take the bus or walk?

In an effort to overcome this issue I feel we need to start with the end in mind, asking ourselves what the 'worst-case scenario' is and 'are we able to live with it?' 'Who and what will be affected and to what degree or severity?'Or even 'Will this move me closer to or farther away from enlightenment?' As was once posed to me to ask myself when faced with life decisions by my Zen teacher. 

A dear friend of mine is at a crossroads in his professional career and has sought my counsel. Like anyone who comes to me seeking direction he was faced with two things based on both experiential and hypothetical situations, pointed questions and possible scenarios, . After listening, I asked his goals, fears, hesitations, doubts, where he felt confident and a lack there of in making this decision. All the while I am listening with an open mind for what is said and unsaid based on tone, intonation, length of pauses, and immediacy of response. I make a strong effort to not project my thoughts, feelings, or opinions on him, rather I am looking for the real hook and through the above-mentioned technique travel down the road together and let him come to his own conclusions. If I have any life experience I feel is related, having been in a similar situation, I may share that experience and its outcome and what I learned from it. 

Our personal philosophy on life and what is truly important to us shapes our ability to accept the outcome of the decisions we make. I believe that life is learning, that we don't have all the answers nor are we expected to, that there isn't "one way" things are to be done, I also have a strong moral compass I use to guide me through life.

Has this allowed me to make the correct decisions? Who can answer that? Am I a stronger person for having made mistakes, taken accountability and learned from them? Absolutely. 

Part of the difficulty of being a responsible adult, is having to make adult decisions, and well, sometimes it really sucks. Mom and Dad did their best based on their experiences and projections of the future, they looked into the schools, neighborhoods, playgrounds and or country clubs they felt would give us the best 'opportunity' for more often than not a perceived "better" future. As much as they felt they had our best interests in mind, and the optimal word is 'felt' because we were often too young to understand let alone express ourselves, their choices may not have been optimal for us. There is no value in dwelling too much on ‘what could have been’, playing out different possible outcomes, yet we need to accept our lot and their best intensions as foundations for what have and can become.. This is starting to get tricky, I am treading on the thin ice of placing judgement or blame, that is not my intent nor the direction I want to go. I want us to look at the sad fact that father 'doesn't' always know best, yet he knows based on his life experience, his level of openness, willingness to learn and evolve spiritually, he made the best decisions he could for us. We may someday or perhaps already are faced with having to make such decisions for our children, with understanding and forgiveness we can see our parents situation more clearly. 

It is now up to us to sift through what is best for us and filter out what others want for us. Looking at the decision making process from different angles and weighing the possible pros and cons of their outcomes before we ask others their thoughts and feelings will better ground us. When we do ask others we need to be sure we are using them as a sounding board, for us to hear what WE are really concerned about and fearful of in making our choice and do so based on that insight. Do not, however, burden your friends and family with making the decision for you, even though some will take pride in telling you 'what to do', this is of no value to you in the long run. They are sometimes looking for someone to 'control' and you are looking for someone other than yourself to blame if it doesn't go as planned. Take responsibility, you will grow from it. Moving forward you may even consider your surroundings and advisors to be sure they truly have your best interests in mind. 

If you have  ever used a GPS and missed the turn off it never says "Oh man, you are really fucked now", rather it simply says "recalculating." Be gentle with yourself, with time and practice the process will become easier. 

Getting in (out) of my own way.

The internal dialogue and the atmospheric pressure of an extravert centric world can some times leave me motionless and in a deep gaze towards any solid object to allow my mind to explore the best possible coarse of action. As I continuously search the inner realms of my subconscious mind through Introspection and meditation it becomes clearer to me that I get in my own way.

Those of you who are introverted understand the need to ‘recharge’ or ‘refresh’ after spending any length of time in crowded public spaces or with an extravert.

Add waking up in the morning and opening your social media platforms and seeing what others have already done this morning or last night, and, well we might as well crawl right back in bed.

Like many of you who have learned to function in the extrovert’s world, I don’t appear to others to be introverted, often leaving us drained and misunderstood as we turndown social functions for a new book and cup of tea or glass of wine.

In an attempt to stay on course with the title of this post and refraining from a stream of consciousness that will leave us all scratching our heads in confusion, allow me to ask myself the question, what am I going to do to get OUT of my own way?

I’m going to continue to put myself out there, allowing myself to be vulnerable so I can become intimate in it’s truest sense with self and others. I will continue to put myself out there for others, yet I will respect the reality of who and what I am. I’m going to trust more in my inner voice and continue to express it here and in other mediums in the hopes that I can make a difference.  

Mustering up the courage...

I struggle with a form of perfectionism that sometimes gets the best of me and I seek out distractions rather than do the things I need to, to feel more adequate and qualified. I spend a fair amount of my free time reading/listening to books on self-improvement, leadership, goal setting, and spirituality and I become faced with a dichotomy, being the altruistic morally correct adult male or being a success at any cost. Perhaps I overthink the subject to the point where my motivation to sleep outweighs my motivation to succeed because of the gravitational weight of overcoming the struggle to realize that being perfect isn't even possible! 

Who decides what perfect is, and where did I get this fucked up idea of it anyway? I certainly didn't have it in grade school or high school, or if I did I was unaware of it. I did poorly in school as will become evident as you read my blog and notice the poor grammar, (#DoesGrammarReallyMater?). I realized later in life that I am not a "conventional learner" and have been told that the school system failed me, well, that's all well and good but I can't roll back the clock and they aren't going to refund my parents the money they spent on my education, so I deal with it. I guess my struggle to 'fit in' to the system is responsible somewhat for shaping these feelings of inadequacy disguised as perfectionism. Even though I am aware that 'perfectionism' is not a good thing I feel it sounds better than 'inadequateness' or 'inadequate-ism.' 

People have been asking me for years to share my story, and I have been failing miserably at it do to this very inadequacy. I have a white board in my room with various topics to write or talk about, goals, quotes etc. I have portraits of people in history I admire and aspire to be like. If I have a one on one with a friend or colleague, they always seem to feel better after hearing my perspective, not that I have the answers to their problems, it's that I have a different angle for them to look at it from. I have a 3x5 index card on my coffee table that says "Do I have to be perfect or successful  before I can do something to make a difference?" which I wrote just before walking out the door for work. I wrote this down as a question to myself so it would become real and not just a passing thought to never be answered….. And from that question this post was born.

By putting myself out there, being honest with my fears and self-doubts may make me in some peoples eyes to be less of a man, but I have news for you, I don't give a shit what they think or feel anymore, I am not here to judge them and if they want to judge me, oh well. If this post gets lost in the inter-webs than so be it, if helps motivate you to just go outside and pick up the dog shit on your lawn you have been neglecting for days than I have already made a difference.

Identify the fear

Why is it that we would rather remain miserable than move toward a dream we have had and the possibility of happiness? 

Fear.

Fear of the 'unknown'.

This unknown fear is actually an 'unfamiliar' fear, and because it is unfamiliar, it isn't easily identified based on past introspection.

With the right mindset, the correct questions and the right support group, we can identify this fear and disarm it.

This isn't to say it goes away, in fact life with out fears is a life short lived. Fear is necessary for survival, being crippled by our fear however, is cowardice. 

Asking the question "what is the fear?" will aid in moving you towards your goal. You must ask and identify for yourself this fear, no one can do this for you, you must investigate for yourself.

Remember to be compassionate with yourself  through the entire process. 

All great discoveries began on uncharted territory, by brave men and women who understood this fear and were able to transcend it.