Imagine stumbling upon a treasure trove of thoughts, emotions, and forgotten dreams, written in your own hand, a forgotten journal from decades past. Each page, a window into a younger self, brimming with raw emotions and unfiltered aspirations.
Read moreWorm Theory
“Stop picking a fight with what is out of your control” Debra Engle advised a client in the coaching room as she filled in for Alan while he was teaching in Japan.
“Only prayer helps me remember who I am” she said in a sincere compassionate voice, breaking down walls in my mind like blocks in the early video game breakout. Many present on that call commented on her simple, yet profound statements, perhaps reaching as deep for them as for me, deeper than she could have imagined. How many times do we allow ourselves to get pulled off center by someone’s random comment or opinion about something?
I have fallen for their juicy worm dangling in front of me, opened wide and clamped down only to be hooked, snagged, and reeled into a conversation or argument I had no intention of partaking nor particular interest in the time invested to end up scarred and out of energy. What’s worse is the aftermath of self-abuse and self-criticism that ensues.
“Come on, you know worms don’t just dangle in the ocean, you are smarter than that.” “You have been down this road before Neo” Trinity said to Neo when he wanted to flee before seeing what the Matrix was all about. “You will never win with him, he always has to be right” my siblings will confirm about engaging in such struggles with dad.
All four of us know this, yet we still get hooked, we waste time, become frustrated and sometimes call each other afterwards and get our lines all tangled up and stress even worse.
“If you don’t like the story you are living, I invite you to write a new one” Don Miguel Ruiez proposes. If you know this conversation is going to lead to stress and frustration, why engage? “Life is short, Art is long” someone said, and as life artists we can find more creative ways of expressing ourselves in a healthy and fulfilling way for self and others than to partake in such frustrating and draining tangents.
Prayer works for Debra, Service for Ram Dass, a long run for my brother, moving iron in the gym for my friend Dave, a plunge in the ocean for me. What tools or techniques do you have to return to center once you have allowed yourself to be pulled away?
The fourth of Don Miguel’s agreements is “always do your best,” not always be perfect, not always be right or win the argument, but to “always do your best.”
Every time I realize I have been hooked, whether it be a half hour in or just a few minutes, I have a choice, and the one I choose is to release in a way that allows for less struggle, pain, and damage. This is the best I can do in that moment, perhaps next time the worm won’t look as juicy.
I feel in Debra’s statement she is even advising us to be careful to not go looking for arguments we know will lead to pain and frustration to fill a void or mask a pain we are experiencing and don’t have the courage or awareness to tend to with compassion. We often project a fight with ourselves on to others. I have caught myself gathering information to argue with this type of person, to present facts backing up my stance only to have them question or discredit the study or try to change the original subject of the argument! They have many years of training in being right and skilled in changing the subject when wrong. It’s ultimately a lose lose situation since neither of us feels particularly happy afterwards.
As I write this I can actually see humor in this and appreciate their struggle, I can now dub this ‘worm theory’ and see the clever game they are prompting and not engage in the dance.
Here in lies a spiritual opportunity, my mentor Alan Cohen might say “you are in a seminar of recognizing and resolving an issue in you and this person is your greatest teacher, can you see that?”
“Because we can accommodate and adapt. The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting. The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” Marcus Aurelius has taught us.
This very moment, we have an opportunity to learn and grow, to do our best to be grateful for this situation and to the shift that can take place in them by healing ourselves of the “worm” dangling before us. When we can see that they are only mirroring that part of us we dislike, we can heal.
“When you are able to be patient with others, you can be patient with yourself” advises Eknarth Easwaran.
When I can see the hook in them and the pain and suffering behind the juicy worm dangling out of place in the vast ocean of compassion, to see all as beautiful artists contributing to our spiritual growth and development, I can move forward with gratitude.
“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he marches to the beat of a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away,” Said Thoreau, “never cease trying to be the best you can be” coach Wooden taught his players, look at everyone as a child of the Devine, and have patience and compassion for all, we are all on a journey to self-discovery, to finding our rhythm, our voice, our way of pure expression.
It takes strength to ask for help
It takes strength to ask for help
Some of us are facing possibly the most uncertain and seemingly most helpless challenges in our adult lives. It is as if someone sped up the roller-coaster of life and we have lost the amusement of it. No longer raising our hands in celebration, we find ourselves instead, uncharacteristically gripping the safety bar with extreme vigor. Only now, we no longer trust the safety bar, the lap bar, and over-the-shoulder device while in our seats, we don’t trust the park director, the person sitting in front or behind us, and worst of all, we have begun to question our own ability to ‘grip’ the safety bar. Hell, we may not believe it even exists. We start to question if we are even in the right park, is this what I signed up for? This is nothing like the brochure, how could I have been deceived?
Throw in the holidays and we can easily become overwhelmed, suddenly there ‘is nothing on Netflix’ or the other streaming apps we have, social media starts to confirm our confusions and fears, true or false have lost their meaning.
Where have our role models gone? What happened to leading by example?
“All I want is the truth, just give me some truth” – John Lennon 1971
Some of the people we have looked up to and envied over the years also had dragons in their closets or under their beds. On the outside their suit of armor was of the best materials polished to a perfect shine yet it was decaying from the inside. Through their art forms and careful editing, they kept Toto from allowing us to see who was really behind the curtain. Something prevented them from seeking help.
We are not alone; we never have been. There are others like us, and there are those who are skilled and trained at helping us, we just need to ask. We need to embrace our suck as an opportunity for our evolution as a species. We need to be the example; we owe that to our youngsters.
There is strength in recognizing it may be time to seek help or be there for someone who is reaching out.
We can start where we are, with a gratitude or mindfulness practice, something to ground us. I have been practicing seated and walking meditation for over twenty-five years now, putting it to the test during trying times. It helps if we have a community of practitioners to share questions, insights, and other things that may come up. If you are interested in learning more about how to start a mindfulness practice please feel free to ask on Listentonothing on Instagram and we can start addressing some of the common questions.
Imagine stumbling upon a treasure trove of thoughts, emotions, and forgotten dreams, written in your own hand, a forgotten journal from decades past. Each page, a window into a younger self, brimming with raw emotions and unfiltered aspirations.